Beware the flowers that walk

It all sounds innocent enough.

Four authors, with a broad but shared vision of good weird and chilling fiction, banding together to release a series of books.

Innocent enough. Except when those authors happen to be the Abominable Gentlemen. Oh, each volume is on its own ordinary enough. Four fine stories, one from each of the Gentlemen, maybe a guest author, all usually based around a theme. Nothing exceptional. Nothing untowards. 

Just words.

But of course, being Abominable, the Gentlemen have a wider plan. Hatched late one night, over brandies in the club. In the corner, the Man With A Skull For A Head nodded his quiet encouragement.

Although each volume on its own is harmless, a pleasing diversion or a brief hair-raising chill, piece by piece they form part of a greater whole. A greater whole that, when complete, will change everything. Once the work is complete the words in the individual volumes will seek each other out, as if drawn by some strange attractor, and the words will fuse and the words will twist, and they will feed and they will change and they will breed. An alchemical transformation of language will take place that will spell out the secret words of the universe itself, the words of power that hold the bonds of reality together and which will open the gate to universes beyond all human imagining. A million beautiful but terrible mutant flowers will bloom, reaching their twisted petals in supplication to skies of molten cloud, before they wrench their roots shuddering from the earth, and start to walk.

At least, that's the plan. The original arcane rituals demanded volumes of illuminated lettering on parchments made from the shirts of martyrs, and we are not yet sure whether it will survive the conversion to Amazon's proprietary electronic format. 

But are you sure that it won't?

The Man With A Skull For A Head Interviews #3: Aaron Polson

Later that same evening, The Man The Man With A Skull For A Head interviewed Aaron Polson - it was getting close to chucking out time at the Jeykll and Hyde, but obviously the Abominable Gentlemen are in cahoots with the barman, and an old-fashioned 'lock in' is theirs upon request...so there's never any need for them to stop drinking Blue Monkey if they don't wish to.

This may explain a lot.


TMWASFAH: "If you could make any one person - alive or dead, male or female, real or fictional - an honorary Abominable Gentleman, who would it be and why?"

AP: Without going the obvious "H.P. Lovecraft" / "Edgar Allan Poe" route, I'm going to say Charles Darwin. While not a fiction writer, that dude was really thinking out of the box.


TMWASFAH: "What's the most abominable thing you've done that you want to reveal to the internet at large?"

I'm ashamed of this one--and it amounts to theft as well as "murder"--I pulled fish from a tank at a discount store when I was five or six. I liked the way they felt in my hand: squish and wet. When I heard footsteps, I dropped the poor little guy (a goldfish, I think), and it suffocated on the white tile floor.


TMWASFAH: "As you know, the Gentlemen drink in the Jekyll and Hyde pub. If you had a Mister Hyde style alter-ego what would he (she?!) be called and why?"

If I had an alter-ego? I thought I was the alter ego... My alter-ego would probably have a nice, safe name like "Bob Jones" or something. Either that or Pleather Tuxedo (after the fictional girl band "Leather Tuscadero and the Suedes" from TV's Happy Days.


TMWASFAH:  "If you had a free pick from all of literature of one story by a guest author for a future issue of Penny Dreadnought, what would it be?"

"Greasy Lake" by T. Coraghessan Boyle would be my first pick. Man I love that story--great voice, great imagery, and a mossy, waterlogged corpse. It speaks to my growing up in middle America, too. H.P. Lovecraft's "The Rats in the Walls" comes in a close second. The "big reveal" in "Rats" still gives me chills, and I've read it ten+ times.


TMWASFAH: "As writers, we often get asked for boring factual author bios. If you could write an author bio unconstrained by the boundaries of reality and truth, what would it say?"

I'd say that I'm made of marshmallow fluff and branches from a willow tree with an I.Q. of 134. I could go higher on the I.Q., but why get cocky?

TMWASFAH: "What one thing would you like to know about one of the other Abominable Gentlemen that you currently don't?"

Peanut butter: do you believe it's more peanut or more butter?

TMWASFAH: "What one book of yours would you like to plug to the Penny Dreadnought   readership?"

I'd love for more folks to read Loathsome, Dark and Deep (Amazon US | UK). I loved writing that book and it's garnered some decent reviews. I think it would make a nice film, too. (wink, wink)

The Man With A Skull For A Head Interviews #2: Alan Ryker

Alan Ryker, Yesterday

The Man With A Skull For A Head interviews continue, with the second victim being the Abominable Gentlemen's criminal mastermind, Alan Ryker.


Again, the interview as conducted over a few pints in the Jeykll and Hyde pub, which is located in Nottingham, Sunderland or Kansas, depending on your (and its) point of view. Regardless of location, its measures are always in Imperial.

TMWASFAH: "If you could make any one person - alive or dead, male or female, real or fictional - an honorary Abominable Gentleman, who would it be and why?"

AR: Abolitionist John Brown. He’s my personal hero, but an actual hero only because he ended up on the right side of history. He makes liberals very nervous because he was essentially a terrorist for the correct side, murdering and pillaging against slavery. I hold few memberships, as I am picky about my associates. One is as an Abominable Gentlemen. The other, a soldier in John Brown’s army.

TMWASFAH: "What's the most abominable thing you've done that you want to reveal to the internet at large?"

I developed a breed of dog which is so cute that it destroys the minds of all those who look upon it: the pughuameranian. Once you see a pughuameranian, your existence is hollow until you have one to call your very own. But of course, there’s only one! Madness, thy name is Chewie!

So many ruined lives…

TMWASFAH: "As you know, the Gentlemen drink in the Jekyll and Hyde pub. If you had a Mister Hyde style alter-ego what would he (she?!) be called and why?"

I revealed my alter-ego with a palindrome in my author’s notes in Penny Dreadnought: Descartes’ Demon.

Alan Ryker is evil. Live, Sire Kyrnala!

Although I’m not certain if it’s a Jekyll and Hyde situation, as Sire Kyrnala is also quite evil. The main difference between us is that he hates cilantro, while I love it.

TMWASFAH: "If you had a free pick from all of literature of one story by a guest author for a future issue of Penny Dreadnought, what would it be?"

I’ve never read better portrayals of the beautiful connection between genius and self-destruction as in the works of Jim Shephard. My favorite example of this is probably “Climb Aboard the Mighty Flea.”

TMWASFAH: "As writers, we often get asked for boring factual author bios. If you could write an author bio unconstrained by the boundaries of reality and truth, what would it say?"

Alan Ryker is Evil. Live, Sire Kyrnala!

Though that is both factual and truthful, it’s what I’d say if unconstrained.

TMWASFAH: "What one thing would you like to know about one of the other Abominable Gentlemen that you currently don't?"

Why would you ever choose to associate with Alan Ryker?

Oh, how self-absorbed of me! Isn’t that abominable? No? Just kind of dickish? Well, that’s a step in the right direction, wouldn’t you say?

Okay, then I would ask Mr. Everington how he manages to commit so many abominable deeds. I have a feeling he has some sort of time-manipulation device, and I’d like to borrow it.

Maybe then I could manage to fit a little rest for the wicked into my busy schedule.

TMWASFAH: "What one book of yours would you like to plug to the Penny Dreadnought readership?"

I want someone to buy Psychomancer, just for the novelty of it. It’s full of humor, pseudo-philosophic ramblings and great heaping helpings of my trademark, over-the-top violence! But no one ever buys it. I have no idea why not. Does it have halitosis?

Answer the halitosis question for yourself by buying Psychomancer from Amazon (US | UK)

The Man With A Skull For A Head Interviews #1: Iain Rowan

Iain Rowan, Yesterday

The Man With A Skull For A Head recently interviewed each of the Abominable Gentlemen in their usual haunt of the Jeykll and Hyde pub. History does not record how many pints of Blue Monkey either participant had drunk by this point, but you can judge for yourself from the transcript below.

First victim, Iain Rowan:

TMWASFAH: "If you could make any one person - alive or dead, male or female, real or fictional - an honorary Abominable Gentleman, who would it be and why?"

IR: I'm not sure if he was real, or fictional, or a combination of the two, but I think I would like our company to be joined by Merlin. He'd be great fun to have around for lots of reasons:


"Merlin, the Gentlemen are out of tea/stout/crumpets, would you mind just waving your staff and..."
"Merlin, our Amazon Sales Rank is slipping. Would you mind just waving your staff and..."
"Merlin, can I have a go of your pointy hat?"
"Merlin, you have amazing powers, the like of which have not been seen on earth before or since. So, you know. The whole Mordred and Arthur thing. The greatest king the country has ever known. Slain in battle.  Busy that day were you, Merlin, washing your beard? Merlin? Come on, I'm only kidding, you know that. Don't frown so. I am abominable after all. We'll go out after lunch and play swords in stones if it will make you smile again."


TMWASFAH: "What's the most abominable thing you've done that you want to reveal to the internet at large?"


IR: When I was a child, I once pulled the wings off a fairy. Horrible, but I knew no better.


It gets worse though. I felt very guilty about this, so I put the fairy into a shoebox with every intention of asking my mum to sew the wings back on, but then a friend came round asking if I'd go out and play football, and I got muddy and had to have a bath when I came back in, and then there were cartoons on the TV, and then it was time for bed and then...it was two months before I looked in the shoebox.


I generally avoid mounds, tumuli and rings now.


TMWASFAH: "As you know, the Gentlemen drink in the Jekyll and Hyde pub. If you had a Mister Hyde style alter-ego what would he (she?!) be called and why?"


IR: I am the Mister Hyde style alter-ego.


My Mr Jekyll style alter-ego is called Norman Jekyll and he works compiling railway timetable information. In his spare time, he enjoys his hobby of compiling historical railway timetable information, with occasional refreshments of weak lemon drink.


TMWASFAH: "If you had a free pick from all of literature of one story by a guest author for a future issue of Penny Dreadnought, what would it be?"


IR: Beowulf. Because it is wonderful it has beasts, and mead and Geats and revenge and dragons and tragedy.  And because the author is unknown so the whole issue of royalty payments would be um, moot.


But most of all, because more stories should start: Hwæt! 


TMWASFAH: "As writers, we often get asked for boring factual author bios. If you could write an author bio unconstrained by the boundaries of reality and truth, what would it say?"


IR: Iain Rowan is a diligent and disciplined writer.


TMWASFAH: "What one thing would you like to know about the other Abominable Gentlemen that you currently don't?"


IR: A gentleman never wants to know another gentleman's secrets. 


But I do often wonder if the rumours about Mr Everington, the two Tibetans and the manatee have any foundation in truth, whether Mr Ryker really can fly or whether it was some kind of optical illusion that the witnesses saw, and the whole truth about whether Mr Polson has created an additional day between Tuesday and Wednesday which only he can access.



TMWASFAH: "What one book of yours would you like to plug to the Penny Dreadnought readership?"


IR: If you have enjoyed my stories in Penny Dreadnought, you'll probably enjoy Ice Age, my collection of strange and chilling stories. Two of the stories in the collection have appeared in PD, but the others haven't, and I think you'll like them.


Buy Ice Age at Amazon: US | UK

Foreword to Volume 2 of Penny Dreadnought...

Doubt.

Imagine you are talking to someone at a party and you don't know if they are telling the truth or lying. Something isn't quite right about what they are saying, but you can't put your finger on any obvious falsehood. Feeling uneasy, you want to leave them and talk to someone else, but you can't just walk away. In some ways it is worse than if you knew they were lying - at least if you knew you could call them on it. It's the doubt that puts you on edge.

What if you weren't sure if the whole of reality was a lie?

The theme of this second collection of Penny Dreadnought is 'epistemic doubt'. (When we agreed on this theme it made me proud to be one of the Abominable Gentleman, by the way. Any normal group of horror writers would have picked a nice obvious - and commercial - theme like romantically inclined vampires. But oh no, not us.) 'Epistemic' just means how we know things, and really there's only one way - through our senses. Which can deceive us. Or be deceived.

Descartes mused along these lines once, wondering what he could know with absolute certainty. He imagined a demon with infinite powers, bent on deceiving him in every way. Everything he'd ever seen, or remembered seeing, might have been a manipulation of this demon rather than something real. Nothing was certain, everything was at doubt (except Descartes himself - if the demon was manipulating his very thoughts he still had to exist to have those thoughts - hence "I think therefore I am"). And how could such a thing be conclusively ruled out? Descartes was definitely an Abominable Gentleman.

Scary, no? And fertile soil from which to grow horror stories. Implicitly or explicitly, the stories in this volume of Penny Dreadnought  make you question just what is real or not in their own particular fictional universes. And like the smiling but scary man talking to you at a party,  they don't give the game away either.

The modern equivalent is of Descartes is to wonder if everything we've ever experienced isn't the product of some Matrix-like computer program, rather than actually real. Although we don't have the computer power to simulate a reality in such a way yet, there isn't any theoretical reason why it couldn't be done in the future. And if we can do it one day, we probably will. Many times in fact. Indeed some modern day descendents of Descartes have reasoned that, if there are likely to be more artificial realities than real ones, it is statistically likely that we are in one right now...

You aren't in fact about to start reading the second issue of Penny Dreadnought at all, but just being tricked into thinking you are by a sadistic computer programmer or by Descartes demon.

But thank you for buying it, just the same.

Penny Dreadnought: Descartes' Demon is approximately 23,000 words.

Amazon / UK

B&N

Smashwords

Penny Dreadnought: Descartes' Demon

From the malignant minds of the Abominable Gentlemen come fearful tales of paralyzing epistemic doubt. What do you do when you turn a corner and you find yourself where you hadn't intended to go, and you turn back and find that what's behind you isn't where you came from? When nothing makes sense, do you doubt your own sanity, or the world’s?

You’ll find no easy answers within the following tales:

“Falling Over” by James Everington

“All the Pretty Yellow Flowers” by Aaron Polson

“Ice Age” by Iain Rowan

“A Face to Meet the Faces that You Meet” by Alan Ryker

Penny Dreadnought: Descartes' Demon is approximately 23,000 words.

Amazon / UK

B&N

Smashwords